YOLD part 1

I must explain the title of this particular blog.
The Year of Living Dangerously, is a movie. But I had to live it, in 2000. I joined the Army, and the final scene where Mel Gibson, walks to the plane. I actually did that, at the Columbia Airport in South Carolina when I left (crawled out of the mouth of Hell) Basic Training. Now, I'm living that again, 6 1/2 years later. My mom's health is worsening, and my sister is really getting worried, and so am I. When I was in Basic, my sister was really more depressed then she is right now. Her best friend got hit by the Capitol Corridor train in San Leandro, near the skate park where my sister and her friend hung out at.
My sister has done alot to overcome obstacles, and I got to admit, I was and still am jealous of her. I am jealous of her for certain reasons:
1) She knows how to drive a car. (Despite the fact that several people have taught me how, yet I have not actually got a car nor a license.)
2) She has more friends than I do, and can socialize with people alot easier than me. (For years, I have stayed in my room while she socialized with everybody and anybody.)
3) She is able to find a job, secure employment, and hold onto it for longer than 1 month.
4) Not afraid to voice her opinions to anybody about anything she wants.
5) Not afraid to speak the truth.
6) Able to maintain her composure on certain subjects.
She deserves alot of credit because she puts up with alot of things in her life, she has had to deal with more shit and crap in her life than anybody I ever have known. It will be a huge blow to have her deal with my mother's death, because she will be on her own, knowing that she and I cannot work together on certain things.
When I called home, after she left a voicemail, I was breaking down while I talked to my mom, and in my heart, I knew she was too. When I hung up the phone, it hurt my soul and I cried for hours.
It will hurt me alot when my mom dies, but deep down in my heart, it will hurt her more, despite the fact that I am older, and known her more than she has.
Jackie, if you read this blog I just wanna say one thing: I'm sorry if I caused you grief in your life and will try and do better. I may act like a ditzy person, but I'm sorry, I can't control that. My mind drifts off alot, cause i can't deal with people, like normal people can. I am truly sorry if I ever hurt you or harmed you. I hope you forgive me.
Danny